Choice

I write this at a strange juncture in my life. University is in the clouds, I haven’t got the strength to study something which no longer interests me, in fact I have never found anything which I loathe so much.

The woman who I childishly expected to have a future with doesn’t even care if I’m alive, we never shared a kiss or even an embrace, yet I find myself yearning for her, even at this very moment.

I work few days, I should be working more, however the notion of surrounding myself with superficial people who have superficial values makes my stomach turn.

This is a last resort, I have wasted many years dreaming when I should have been living. Life is passing me by, the clock is ticking and the gap is widening at a mind blowing rate. Options, there are few.

Go back to university, scrape by with a pass, take a low paying job at some cut rate TV studio, working fourteen hour days and going home to an empty apartment to continue wasting my remaining years. I could have every useless product that exists, the wide screen plasma, the microwave which heats pre-packaged food in record time, allowing me even more time to gaze into the maze that is television. I could grow old and in my last days look back on my life and nod in regret as I realize that I did what was expected of me, I graduated, got a job, joined the rest of the herd and never asked questions.

I wasn’t made to live that life. It’s not that I think I’m better or that I deserve more than others, it’s the fact that deep down I know, life isn’t about the job, the car, the playboy lifestyle or pointless pussy. It’s the curiosity of life and the universe, the meaning which escapes us, the questions which plague us, it’s the unflinching resolve to search the dark rooms in my mind, sculpting myself to be the man that I know I should be, adding and subtracting from my psyche as I see fit.

Life isn’t a holiday, life is a quest. A journey from birth, where we are born with a blank page to the final days where we write our last chapters. It comes down to two things; do you want to create a life for yourself that you can look back on without regret, happy that even when you made the wrong choices at the wrong times, they were your choices. Or do you want to be created, sitting through lecture after lecture, where you are told what to think and how you should be, purchasing everything which you are told you need to fit in, having the same haircut and fashion sense as everyone else, gradually becoming a number in a system, a sheep in a field, all because you want to be liked, the need for validation because you are doing what is expected of you. The eternal need for approval, living up to the values of the majority, instead of searching for what you know to be true.

It comes down to a choice between life and slavery, I choose life, it’s a risk but one that’s worth taking because even if I fail, I can say that I did my way, on my own terms. Whatever the outcome, I lived.